Chapter 11 - Who Stole the Tarts?
The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their throne whenthey arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them--all sortsof little birds and beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards:the Knave was standing before them, in chains, with a soldier oneach side to guard him; and near the King was the White Rabbit,with a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in theother. In the very middle of the court was a table, with a largedish of tarts upon it: they looked so good, that it made Alicequite hungry to look at them--`I wish they'd get the trial done,'she thought, `and hand round the refreshments!' But there seemedto be no chance of this, so she began looking at everything abouther, to pass away the time.
Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she hadread about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find thatshe knew the name of nearly everything there. `That's thejudge,' she said to herself, `because of his great wig.'
The judge, by the way, was the King; and as he wore his crownover the wig, (look at the frontispiece if you want to see how hedid it,) he did not look at all comfortable, and it was certainlynot becoming.
`And that's the jury-box,' thought Alice, `and those twelvecreatures,' (she was obliged to say `creatures,' you see, becausesome of them were animals, and some were birds,) `I suppose theyare the jurors.' She said this last word two or three times overto herself, being rather proud of it: for she thought, andrightly too, that very few little girls of her age knew themeaning of it at all. However, `jury-men' would have done justas well.
The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates.`What are they doing?' Alice whispered to the Gryphon. `Theycan't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.'
`They're putting down their names,' the Gryphon whispered inreply, `for fear they should forget them before the end of thetrial.'
`Stupid things!' Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, butshe stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out, `Silence inthe court!' and the King put on his spectacles and lookedanxiously round, to make out who was talking.
Alice could see, as well as if she were looking over theirshoulders, that all the jurors were writing down `stupid things!'on their slates, and she could even make out that one of themdidn't know how to spell `stupid,' and that he had to ask hisneighbour to tell him. `A nice muddle their slates'll be inbefore the trial's over!' thought Alice.
One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course,Alice could not stand, and she went round the court and gotbehind him, and very soon found an opportunity of taking itaway. She did it so quickly that the poor little juror (it wasBill, the Lizard) could not make out at all what had become ofit; so, after hunting all about for it, he was obliged to writewith one finger for the rest of the day; and this was of verylittle use, as it left no mark on the slate.
`Herald, read the accusation!' said the King.
On this the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, andthen unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows:--
`The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,All on a summer day:The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,And took them quite away!'
`Consider your verdict,' the King said to the jury.
`Not yet, not yet!' the Rabbit hastily interrupted. `There'sa great deal to come before that!'
`Call the first witness,' said the King; and the White Rabbitblew three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, `Firstwitness!'
The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup inone hand and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other. `I begpardon, your Majesty,' he began, `for bringing these in: but Ihadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for.'
`You ought to have finished,' said the King. `When did youbegin?'
The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had followed him intothe court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. `Fourteenth of March, Ithink it was,' he said.
`Fifteenth,' said the March Hare.
`Sixteenth,' added the Dormouse.
`Write that down,' the King said to the jury, and the juryeagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and thenadded them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.
`Take off your hat,' the King said to the Hatter.
`It isn't mine,' said the Hatter.
`Stolen!' the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, whoinstantly made a memorandum of the fact.
`I keep them to sell,' the Hatter added as an explanation;`I've none of my own. I'm a hatter.'
Here the Queen put on her spectacles, and began staring at theHatter, who turned pale and fidgeted.
`Give your evidence,' said the King; `and don't be nervous, orI'll have you executed on the spot.'
This did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he keptshifting from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at theQueen, and in his confusion he bit a large piece out of histeacup instead of the bread-and-butter.
Just at this moment Alice felt a very curious sensation, whichpuzzled her a good deal until she made out what it was: she wasbeginning to grow larger again, and she thought at first shewould get up and leave the court; but on second thoughts shedecided to remain where she was as long as there was room forher.
`I wish you wouldn't squeeze so.' said the Dormouse, who wassitting next to her. `I can hardly breathe.'
`I can't help it,' said Alice very meekly: `I'm growing.'
`You've no right to grow here,' said the Dormouse.
`Don't talk nonsense,' said Alice more boldly: `you knowyou're growing too.'
`Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace,' said the Dormouse:`not in that ridiculous fashion.' And he got up very sulkilyand crossed over to the other side of the court.
All this time the Queen had never left off staring at theHatter, and, just as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said toone of the officers of the court, `Bring me the list of thesingers in the last concert!' on which the wretched Hattertrembled so, that he shook both his shoes off.
`Give your evidence,' the King repeated angrily, `or I'll haveyou executed, whether you're nervous or not.'
`I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' the Hatter began, in atrembling voice, `--and I hadn't begun my tea--not above a weekor so--and what with the bread-and-butter getting so thin--andthe twinkling of the tea--'
`The twinkling of the what?' said the King.
`It began with the tea,' the Hatter replied.
`Of course twinkling begins with a T!' said the King sharply.`Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!'
`I'm a poor man,' the Hatter went on, `and most thingstwinkled after that--only the March Hare said--'
`I didn't!' the March Hare interrupted in a great hurry.
`You did!' said the Hatter.
`I deny it!' said the March Hare.
`He denies it,' said the King: `leave out that part.'
`Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said--' the Hatter went on,looking anxiously round to see if he would deny it too: but theDormouse denied nothing, being fast asleep.
`After that,' continued the Hatter, `I cut some more bread-and-butter--'
`But what did the Dormouse say?' one of the jury asked.
`That I can't remember,' said the Hatter.
`You MUST remember,' remarked the King, `or I'll have youexecuted.'
The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter,and went down on one knee. `I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' hebegan.
`You're a very poor speaker,' said the King.
Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediatelysuppressed by the officers of the court. (As that is rather ahard word, I will just explain to you how it was done. They hada large canvas bag, which tied up at the mouth with strings:into this they slipped the guinea-pig, head first, and then satupon it.)
`I'm glad I've seen that done,' thought Alice. `I've so oftenread in the newspapers, at the end of trials, "There was someattempts at applause, which was immediately suppressed by theofficers of the court," and I never understood what it meanttill now.'
`If that's all you know about it, you may stand down,'continued the King.
`I can't go no lower,' said the Hatter: `I'm on the floor, asit is.'
`Then you may SIT down,' the King replied.
Here the other guinea-pig cheered, and was suppressed.
`Come, that finished the guinea-pigs!' thought Alice. `Now weshall get on better.'
`I'd rather finish my tea,' said the Hatter, with an anxiouslook at the Queen, who was reading the list of singers.
`You may go,' said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left thecourt, without even waiting to put his shoes on.
`--and just take his head off outside,' the Queen added to oneof the officers: but the Hatter was out of sight before theofficer could get to the door.
`Call the next witness!' said the King.
The next witness was the Duchess's cook. She carried thepepper-box in her hand, and Alice guessed who it was, even beforeshe got into the court, by the way the people near the door begansneezing all at once.
`Give your evidence,' said the King.
`Shan't,' said the cook.
The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said in alow voice, `Your Majesty must cross-examine THIS witness.'
`Well, if I must, I must,' the King said, with a melancholyair, and, after folding his arms and frowning at the cook tillhis eyes were nearly out of sight, he said in a deep voice, `Whatare tarts made of?'
`Pepper, mostly,' said the cook.
`Treacle,' said a sleepy voice behind her.
`Collar that Dormouse,' the Queen shrieked out. `Behead thatDormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinchhim! Off with his whiskers!'
For some minutes the whole court was in confusion, getting theDormouse turned out, and, by the time they had settled downagain, the cook had disappeared.
`Never mind!' said the King, with an air of great relief.`Call the next witness.' And he added in an undertone to theQueen, `Really, my dear, YOU must cross-examine the next witness.It quite makes my forehead ache!'
Alice watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list,feeling very curious to see what the next witness would be like,`--for they haven't got much evidence YET,' she said to herself.Imagine her surprise, when the White Rabbit read out, at the topof his shrill little voice, the name `Alice!'